Chased by Children

Did I mention I went on a diet? Let the cursing begin...

My life has gotten very convenient with this new job.  Which means I was going through those  ever-so-convenient drive-thrus waaaaaaay too often.  Hmm...cheeseburgers don't look so good when they live ON you. 

So, there's this diet.  They deliver.  Every morning.  To your front porch.  It's convenient as hell. 

I'm starving.

Fortunately I lack the energy to do anything about it. 

Meanwhile, the food on this diet is delicious.  I think.  It's so hard to tell if it's really that good or if starving to death makes every morsel taste like it came out of the kitchens of the Cordon Bleu. (Look it up, bookworm).

I've been at it about a week and already my blogging is up.  The scale is down around 5 pounds...I think, squinting at the scale instead of putting on my glasses takes too much energy -- so it's a rough estimate.

Catch you on the flip side.

While I'm at work....

She cares for my offspring.

She cooks nutritious meals for them and cleans up after herself.

She does laundry.

She drives the princesses to every single one of their events and never forgets their shoes.

She shops for groceries.

She cleans up after the pets and exercises the dog.

She greets me with a smile every evening and all she asks in return is a portion of my paycheck.

I should have gotten a wife a long time ago.

The Reunion Cometh

The countdown begins... 20 years since high school graduation.  It's August 2nd!

Back then I was really something.

Something other than what I am now (30 pounds heavier, for one thing)

Here's my plan:  Memorize a lot of quotes from Stephen Colbert and gain roughly 30 more pounds.  That way it won't seem like I'm trying too hard.  Also, every woman there will feel better if the Homecoming Queen shows up really fat, right?

I plan to give the same speech that Suzanne Sugarbaker gave to her class reunion during my favorite episode of "Designing Women". Her classmates voted her "The Person Most changed". It went something like this:

Suzanne: Well, this is quite a surprise. I guess maybe I deserve this award for the Person-Most-Changed, but (pause) not for the reason you think. Last night I got my feelings hurt because I came to this reunion thinking I was beautiful and what I find out was that I'm fat (pause) at least you think I am. But that isn't the biggest change in me. The biggest change is that the old Suzanne wouldn't have shown up here tonight. She would've just gotten thin before the next reunion and then she would have gotten even. But I'm a little older and I hope a little wiser than that person used to be.

A lot of things have happened to me. A lot of things have happened to all of us. Sandy Smothers was killed the night before we graduated. Diane Mitchell's got two sets of twins and Gayland Chadwick's working in the White House. We had a lot of dreams together and there's no point in pretending some of mine came true and some didn't.

I met a little boy from Africa tonight whose family died of starvation and I realized that I spent the whole day at home worrying about the fact that I had too much to eat. I'm not sure the old Suzanne would have appreciated the absurdity of that but this one does.

Some of you men wanted to know about my bra size, but I’d rather talk about my heart because (pause) it's a little bigger than it used to be. The old Suzanne wouldn't have forgiven you for the things that you said, but this one will. Because when I look around this room tonight, I don't see receding hairlines and the beginnings of pot-bellies and crow's feet. I just see all the beautiful faces of old girlfriends and sweet young boys who used to stand on my front porch and try to kiss me goodnight. And you can remember me any way you'd like, but that's how I'll always remember you.

And so I thank you for giving me this award for the Person-Most-Changed, however you intended it. I'm gonna treasure it because #1. I love trophies and #2. I earned it. Thank you.

Any other suggestions about how I could make a big splash without dieting and becoming tanorexic --  would be GREATLY appreciated.

A fish story

"The babies are here!"  Princess CoCo was so excited.

Her Mickey Mouse fish had finally given birth.  It had required all of her patience to wait for them since buying the fish a week and a half before (with her own money).  Everyone at the pet store had been happy to tell her that the single Mickey Mouse fish had been pregnant.

9 little fishies.  One tired mommy who immediately started swimming backward.

When Princess CoCo got home from school today the mommy had passed away...and was bobbing lifelessly under the filter. 

9 little orphans.  CoCo dutifully scooped the dead fish out of the water and flushed her.  Over the last four hours every time I've seen her she's been just staring at the fish tank. 

Those 9 little fishies have a new mommy now.

The Things I See in Traffic

You would not believe the things I see in Chicago traffic on my way to work.

The truck drivers are very flirty.

And is it me, or are bumper stickers getting too wordy?  I have to get reeeeeeeeeeeal close to make out what complex message some of them are making. My theory is that if you can't say it in four or five words then it's not bumper sticker it's a driving hazard.  Who's with me?

And yet they are irrisistable to me...I MUST get close enough to read that bumper sticker. The risk is worth it on the off chance I might agree with that person...or better yet, DISAGREE!!

I see a lot of anti-Bush slogans.  I see a lot of Support the Troops "ribbons".   I see honor student messages and classic football/baseball/soccer supporters.  There are the funny and ironic and weirdly off-beat messages about life.  A lot of colleges and universities that I have never heard of....and letters, just one or two on a white background in a black circle.  It's either a cult or club that I have never been invited to join.  jerks.

There are messages of salvation and damnation.  There are police associations and community causes.  And all of these people are up early and on their way somewhere, with their message on their bumper and a little hope in their heart.  Hope that maybe someone who reads their message might find it in their heart to let them into the other lane at the next merge.  suckers.   

10 Things my Mother was right about

My Mother's birthday is this time of year...always right around Mother's Day and the King's birthday so she often gets lost in the shuffle.

Today, after years of torturing my mother over the things she was wrong about (things I am not mentioning here, ahem) I've decided to list the most important ones that she got right.

1.  Always look your best, no matter how much money you have or don't have, no matter how much sleep you've had or haven't had, no matter how much you weigh or how long it's been since you could afford a haircut-- when you go out in public you should look the absolute best that you can.  In the absence of everything else put on some lipstick and  wear a smile.

2.  You are allowed to talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime about anything.  My mother will chat with people at the oddest times and within roughly 30 seconds figure out who they know that she knows, or where they lived that she's lived, or how they do something that she does exactly the same way.  She's genuinely interested in people, and within 34 seconds they are interested in her too.

3.  Making other people feel good about themselves should be one of your goals.  While not every conversation can end happily, my mother has a knack for finding the good in an interpretation of things.  I could tell her that I got fired and by the end of the conversation be convinced that I was better off if they didn't recognize my genius. (by the way, she WASN'T right about me being a genius)

4.  Savor every minute of your children's childhood.  Savor it.  It all goes so fast and every minute of it is a gift.  I really have tried and am sooooo glad she told me.

5.  Try every day to be better than you were the day before.  My mother is constantly striving to be a better person, wife, mother and especially Christian.  She's never once sat back and been satisfied with how far she's come, she's always improving.

6.  Pray.    a     lot.

7.  Sprinkle a little humor into every day.  My Mom's a funny gal, but more importantly she's easy to make laugh.  Once she gets going it's fun just to watch her try to stop.

8. Don't cook when you can go out.  Does that need an explanation?

9.  Boys who didn't like me were too short for me anyway.  What one thing has to do with the other...I have no idea.  I think it's in the same vein as the serenity prayer but with a more practical application.

10.  If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.  While she didn't coin the phrase she quoted it in a way that made you believe.  I mimic her in my own little happy home with this phrase all of the time.

Who loves you Mom?  It's me.  The funny one. 

The Little Bugle Girl

Princess CoCo plays the trumpet.

Yeah.

Sometimes Princess CoCo wakes up really early.

Yeah.

When she wakes up really early, she likes to play her trumpet.

I'd like to tell you that she plays revelry.  Unfortunately she likes to warm up with an enthusiastic version of "Good King Wenceslas".

There is nothing like a rousing rendition of "Good King Wenceslas" at 5am.

Nothing.

Lucky Lucky

On Tuesday night of this very week I saw both of my very best friends, Lola and Buddah.

Not together. 

That would have been too easy.

I was at a Employment Law Forum downtown and Buddah was in town for Sales training.  Lola had no excuse to go downtown except that she knew that me and Buddah were going to be there.

I stayed overnight at a very swishy hotel (the same one that Buddah was staying at).

Due to circumstances beyond my control here is how my evening went:

    6:15 Buddah at the bar for drink (I literally had to RUN from my conference to get there to see her for 10 minutes before she left to see Wicked with her team)

     6:25 Applied lipstick

     6:40 met Lola at Sushi Samba for a very cool dinner (get it, they don't cook sushi).  Buddah did not attend (much to Lola's dismay) because she thought "mandatory fun" with her work team meant her.  Silly girl.

     9:45pm got dropped back at swishy hotel by Lola who inexplicably does a Gilbert Godfrey impression.

     10:30pm I was busy dozing in one of those too-comfy-to-just-lay-on-without-falling-asleep beds that high end hotels always have, when Buddah called to tell me to, "get my ass back to the bar".  It was a serious flashback to college days.

     12:46  I got back to my room with Buddah (who had a roomate back in her own room- ostensively so her company could afford Wicked tickets) and we both went immediately to sleep after laughing hysterically about everything and nothing.

     5am  - Wednesday dawns with a view of Lake Michigan and Buddah snoring in the other bed. Ha! There aren't words.

   

Not the Winner

The Crescat has announced the winners.

I am not on that list.

I don't blame you.  per say.

If you haven't checked out The Crescat allow me to introduce you to the humor to be found there:

Don't think that's laugh-out-loud funny?  Boy are you at the wrong  blog.

My Secret Life

It's time for me to come clean to all of you.

I don't really live in Chicago.  I live in Venice, Italy.

I do have three daughters but they are very well behaved, and Italian speaking (since I don't speak the language I can't tell if they are being disrespectful or not -- doesn't everything in Italian sound beautifully respectful?)

I live in a very old and charming building overlooking St. Mark's Basin. 

I write novels for a living, mysteries based in Chicago ironically.

I have fresh flowers and clean sheets every day of my life. I have no idea how the laundry gets done, but I suspect it has something to do with that heavy set woman who does all the cooking.  The girls seem to like her.

After the girls leave for their tennis lessons (which they do before school) I always linger over my morning espresso with a book of Billy Collins or Robert Frost poetry.  Sometimes I read them aloud to King George but I can't tell if he's listening since he was struck utterly mute by the freak lightening incident.

I only write the things that I do here to amuse myself.   

I feel better already.